Losing someone dear is one of life’s most heart-wrenching experiences. Having walked through the painful path of grief several times—losing my father, my husband, and most recently, my sister—I have come to understand how deeply the actions and words of friends and family can affect the healing process. As a widow of Nigerian descent living in America, I have witnessed a unique blend of cultural and societal approaches to mourning, and through these experiences, I’ve learned what genuinely helps, and what can unintentionally deepen the pain. And I feel it is necessary to share because at one point or the other, everyone goes through or has someone going through this pain.
Grief is unpredictable, overwhelming, and isolating. When someone we love loses a cherished family member, we often struggle with knowing what to say or do. We want to help but may feel unsure of how to approach the situation. From my personal experience and now as a grief coach and mentor, I hope to offer some guidance on how to be a source of comfort and strength to those grieving.
The Do’s
Show Up and Be Present: One of the most profound ways to support someone grieving is simply to be there. After losing my husband, the presence of people who sat with me—without trying to fix things or offer certain advice—made all the difference. Your presence itself is a source of comfort, even in silence. Don’t underestimate the power of just being there, whether physically or virtually, especially in the early days.
Listen Without Judgment: When I lost my father and later my sister, there were times when I was angry, confused, and bitter. These emotions can sometimes come out unexpectedly, and what a grieving person needs most is someone to listen—without trying to rationalize their feelings or offer unsolicited advice. Be the ear they need, allowing them to vent or cry without interrupting or offering solutions unless asked.
Offer Specific Help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific help. After my husband’s death, practical assistance meant more than I could express. Whether it was helping with my children, bringing meals, or handling errands, it was the small gestures that carried me through. Offer to babysit, cook dinner, or help with household chores—concrete actions are far more helpful than making vague offers.
Respect Their Grieving Process: Everyone grieves differently. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others may need space to process their emotions in silence. Respect their need for time, solitude, or conversations without forcing them into a timeline of “moving on.” I remember feeling pressured to “be strong” and “get back to normal” when what I really needed was time to mourn on my own terms.
Check In Regularly: Grief doesn’t end after the funeral or memorial service. The weeks and months after the loss are often the hardest. Check-in regularly, even when others may have moved on. Send a message, call, or drop by. After my sister passed, people stopped checking in too soon, yet my pain lingered. A small reminder that you’re still thinking of them can mean a lot.
The Don’ts
Don’t Say, “I Know How You Feel:” Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, no two people grieve the same way. I remember how isolating it felt when people tried to equate their grief to mine, often minimizing my unique experience. Rather than comparing grief, acknowledge their pain and let them share their feelings without assumptions.
Avoid Clichés: Statements like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” can feel dismissive, even if well-intentioned. After losing my husband, hearing such phrases felt like an attempt to fast-track my healing. It’s okay to admit that there are no perfect words. Sometimes, a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I can’t imagine how hard this must be” is far more comforting than trying to find answers to an unanswerable situation.
Don’t Force Positivity: While it’s natural to want to ease someone’s pain, telling them to “stay strong” or “look on the bright side” can come across as invalidating. Grief is dark, heavy, and complex. After my father’s death, being told to “focus on the good times” made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to mourn. Allow your loved one the space to feel all of their emotions, including the painful ones.
Don’t Avoid Them Because You Don’t Know What to Say: Losing someone can make a person feel isolated, and sadly, friends and family often avoid grieving individuals because they feel uncomfortable. I remember when friends distanced themselves after my husband’s passing because they didn’t know how to handle my grief. It hurt more than they probably realized. Even if you don’t have the perfect words, a hug, a message, or a simple acknowledgement can make a world of difference.
Don’t Rush Their Healing: Grief has no set timeline. Pressuring someone to “move on” or questioning why they’re still mourning weeks, months, or even years later is not only insensitive but harmful. It’s important to understand that grief is a lifelong journey. I’ve had to explain this repeatedly: Healing takes time, and it’s not a linear process. Be patient and understanding.
Grief is one of the most personal journeys a person can experience. Being a supportive friend or family member means walking beside them, not leading the way or pushing them to follow a particular path. If you truly want to support someone who is mourning, remember these simple guidelines. Your love, patience, and understanding can provide the strength they need during one of the hardest times of their life.